The Obscenity of Pain
A major recipe for unhappiness is constantly comparing oneself unfavorably to others. Just comparing oneself to others is a recipe for unhappiness. It’s an existence that’s entirely ego driven, which means the good moments in it are not sustainable for any appreciable length of time. Of course, Jodi couldn’t find a place of joy possibly because there wasn’t one. Because she was empty. Because she had no hobbies, no education, because she didn’t have a purpose-driven life but rather felt life owed her. Good things would come to her via The Secret, via affirmations, via scribbling in her diary, via wishing upon a star. And when they didn’t, it was a bitter pill to swallow. From that passive place of waiting rose an enraged monster with years of pent up frustration, anger, bitterness and hate. Especially hate.
In terms of Jodi and Travis, it may be tempting to believe that Jodi was the odd dysfunctional duck. It may be tempting to think Jodi had made a mess of her life and was not dealing with her shit, while Travis had pulled himself together. Of course, Travis was still seeing Jodi off and on in 2008, and had sex with her on the same day she murdered him, so can we really – honestly – say Travis’ life was ‘together’? Was he fulfilled, happy, successful? Or was he struggling, insecure, desperate to be married and somehow failing not only in the eyes of his beloved [various beloveds], but I think he saw himself failing in the eyes of the LDS society and in his own eyes. When you see yourself it can be scary, and tempting to run away from these realizations, and I think Travis was doing that.
What did he see in the empty vessel that was Jodi circa May 2008, parts of himself? The same tragic woundedness? The same empty brokenness? I wonder. What we do know is Travis was on a mission with Jodi to…
OBSCENITY is available on Amazon. Featuring private communications from both Jodi and Travis.
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