Jodi’s Last Month of Freedom 2008

Excerpts from Jodi’s Journal:

5/18/08:  Frustrating times.  My Helio phone was stolen.  It is hugely inconvenient.  I notified a few people, namely Ryan, Steve, & Sam, via email/myspace.  I hope Ryan doesn’t think I flaked on him.  I also let Gus know, too, since he was supposed to get back to me about how his date w/Joy went.  I sort of steered him toward her so I’m a little proud of myself 🙂

I love the Church as always.  I love being Morman.  This is the only ward so far (Yreka) where I haven’t sat down w/the Bishop.

This coming Saturday I’m singing at the races.  Nervous?  very.  Travis was tentatively planning to come and see me, but now it’s been pushed back to the beginning of June.  I don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes, as much as I miss his company.  Besides, I think he just wants to see me for one reason, and so that’s definitely not a good idea.  I’m just not physically attracted to him anymore.  I feel like a cloud has lifted since I moved back.  He’s still a great friend w/flaws, but I have plenty of those, too.  And although I take it as somewhat a compliment that he’s still attracted to me, I don’t think it goes very deep.

I’m probably going to Utah, soon!  I can’t wait to finally hang w/Ryan.

5/22/08:  Sad news:  I finally had “the conversation” w/Travis and it did not go well.  I sort of put it to him already in an email I sent a few days ago and he didn’t like that either, nor did he take the hint.  so I realized I had to be a little bit more direct.  I told him that of course I’m looking for his impending visit, that I can’t wait to check more things off of the list (from 1,000 Places), but that we probably would be better off in all ways if we were not physical.  He got offended and upset, then acted distant.  I tried being so sweet &  speak kindly to him, playing up all of the advantages of not violating the law of chastity, and he didn’t want to hear any of it.  He said he already knows all of that.  Then it got worse, he asked me who I’m seeing, have I been getting my kicks w/someone else, etc.  Of course I swore that I wasn’t (which is true) but also pointed out that even if I was, then that’s my right.  I also pointed out that I didn’t freak out when he confessed his potentially undying love for Mimi.  He said to leave his love life out of it.  Typical.  Then after a moment, he apologized, and said a lot of his frustration is from the fact that things in his dating life aren’t going that well, that yes, he still likes Mimi, but it’s not progressing the way he wants it to, and he’s leaning toward giving up on her.  I told him to be patient, she’ll come around.  The problem w/Travis, is hes so used to girls falling all over themselves for him & she doesn’t do that.  He needs that, I really think he does, – to wait.

Well, even sadder is we agreed to amicably part ways.  He is an amazing person, and he’s told me countless times that I am one of the most beautiful people he’s ever met – on the inside & out.  But it is really better this way.  We both agreed to change our passwords, which we had exchanged eons ago to establish, or re-establish “trust which we had both violated, so no more of that.  We had picked 2 accounts, so I chose Facebook & Gmail & he chose Facebook & Myspace.

We are truly good people at the core, both of us, but we can’t behave ourselves when we’re around each other, not even over the phone.  He said I am still like kryptonite to him.  But I’m tired of being guilt-ridden when the air clears.

I knew it was wrong going over there all of those nights, but I couldn’t say no to him, I couldn’t not pick up the phone.  He would rationalize it saying “it’s really not that bad,” or “come on, I want to please you,” and I was weak.  I went anyway, I answered the phone anyway.

Moving has certainly helped me morally.  I don’t know if it has him or if he’s found a replacement booty-call.  For his sake I hope he hasn’t, not because it would be a replacement but because it is not spiritually productive.  We both want to get married and I don’t think either of us is anywhere near that if we continue to act immorally.

I am mortified that my phone was stolen.  It had a hugely scandalous text message from him (10 pgs!) that he sent last week.  It would make a steamy romance novel sound like script from a G-rated Disney movie.  I also had 1 or 2 recorded conversations that were equally as scandalous.  I never did figure out how to play those back for him.  Well they’re gone now & we won’t be making more.  Well, actually I wouldn’t bet on it entirely, one of us will crack & call the other.

Wherever my phone is now, I just hope to text messages & conversations are never discovered.  yikes.  It’s certainly not Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton level scandal, there’s no video, but it would be embarrassing none-the-less.

I am honestly relieved about the whole thing.  The “just friends” had too many complicated “benefits.”  I’m not seeing anyone per se, but somehow I feel like it still isn’t fair to any of my current prospects.  And Travis said he’s still certain he wants to marry Mimi, although they’re not yet dating.  It’s not fair to her either, in my opinion.  We hadn’t talked about her in so long, I didn’t realize he was still in pursuit.  I wouldn’t dare lecture him over it though.  The first thing that almost popped out of my mouth was, “then why the hell are we still messing around if that’s the case?!?”  But I kept it shut.  For 2 reasons.  1. It would be like the pot calling the kettle black (as I’ve had my eye on some wonderfuls myself)  2. I honestly don’t think Travis can be monogomous.  I’m certain he wasn’t w/me. Although I don’t dwell on it anymore, but my certainty was further solidified when his pattern of behavior continued w/his next girlfriend, Lisa Andrews.  When he finally admitted that they had been dating, I felt so guilty.  I almost wanted to tell her, it seemed only fair, but by then had already broken up and he had moved onto Mimi.  Besides, not only would telling her destroy our friendship (mine & his), but it would cause a lot of unnecessary drama and pain.  And just because Travis acted like a schmuck when it came to how he treated his previous girlfriends, doesn’t mean he’s capable of learning how to be better.  It’s just that I’ve yet to see evidence of it.  But perhaps it will be different w/Mimi.  One things for sure, I wouldn’t want to be the “other girl” in that relationship.  I couldn’t handle the guilt.  And these things don’t necessarily discount all of his other amazing qualities.  he’s done more for me than I could ever count.  He’s helped me in every area of my life.  I am indebted to him for all of the wonderful things that he’s done.  He’s just so dang hot & cold.  Bi-polar even, it would seem.  But I have a gazillion memories that we’ve created that I will always value, just like the ones w/Bobby, Matt, and Darryl.  All unique.  All special, all priceless.  Anyway, one thing I do know is it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I’m saddened, yes, but it feels like a conclusion, like closure.  The final chapter was finally written and the end was bitter-sweet.  He said on some level, we will always be friends, but we both agreed that it’s better this way.  It’s true.  And it’s very much in alignment w/the email I sent him a few days ago.  He’ll be so much better off this way spiritually & emotionally.  And I’ll start dating for real again soon.  Not this casual fill-in-your-Friday-night stuff.  I won’t miss his teasing or his bi-polar tendencies to snap and yell and say things he ends up regretting, but I will miss his sense of humor.  We still have his car to take care of, but he’ll keep me posted on any new developments.  He said if all else fails, then we’ll just scrap it but I would never do him wrong.  Anyway, that concludes things, I guess.  I’m sad, yet relieved, content, liberated, even.

5/24/08:  On the romantic front, I haven’t heard much from Ryan 😦 Maybe he lost interest, I don’t know.  I guess time will tell.  Sam calls and texts me quite consistently though, nearly everyday as of late.  I haven’t been consistent enough w/ responding, so I’d better get on the ball w/that.  He seems like a really nice guy.  He’s funny and easy to talk to.  He has a strong testimony of the church.  He doesn’t say much about his daughter Taylee, so that raises a small concern.  The fact that he has a daughter isn’t a deal-breaker, but one thing that is most definitely at the top of my list is “devoted father” among other things.  Maybe he’s just resistant to talk about her because he thinks it’ll turn me off.  It wouldn’t, not in the least.  If anything, it would probably make him even more attractive to me.  If we do decide to take things further, and if it ever did work out, I’m just not sure how I’d enjoy living in Tucson.  But that’s all in theory right now.  Speaking of AZ, I found myself missing Dan Freeman today.  Strange.  Not in a romantic way, but we bonded, and he’s a great friend.

5/26/08:  Ok, so we finally cracked.  I called and left Travis a voicemail and he called back.  He was acting very angry at first.  He said check your email so I did, but there wasn’t anything from him.  So I called back and said I couldn’t find an email, & he said he sent it on Facebook.  So I checked my Facebook and there was a really, long, ridiculous email from him, just being his classic rude.  We also chatted on gmail, more rude.  He accused me again of slashing his tires, which of course is not true.  He was mad that I got into his Facebook account, which I would understand otherwise, except he gave me the password before.  duh!  But I haven’t logged into it in almost a week since he told me he doesn’t want to do that anymore.  So again, it was just one of his cycles.  I’ve somehow managed to become his whipping-girl, and we’re both addicted to it.  It’s the same pattern as always, he gets pissed, goes off on me, feels bad, we “make-up”, things are mellow for a few days, then the cycle begins again.  I’ve learned that it’s better to just let it run its course.  Yes Travis you’re right, Travis, whatever you say, Travis. As long as I’m not too patronizing he goes right through it and then ends up being apologetic & sweet – talking afterward, and we end up having make-up sex, or in this case, phone sex.  We’re crazy, being addicted to this cycle.  We’ve explored about 90% of all of our fantasies.  We’ve yet to pull over on the freeway and do it on the hood of the car in the middle of the day.  I seriously doubt that will ever happen.  We haven’t done the mile-high yet, and probably never will, and we’ve yet to act out the Little Red Riding Hood spin in the woods, which as of last night is now still scheduled to happen.  I still have my doubts.  I know I’m not seeing anyone, but I don’t want to sabotage any future possibilities.  I’m not superstitious, but somehow it seems obvious that the only way we are going to move on is if we discontinue sexual contact.  I cracked and called.  He called back.  We fought, then made up.  I still care so much for him.  He’s a great guy and he’s always been there for me.

He let’s things go to his head at times, so I’ve been less liberal w/my compliments & praise, although truthfully I think the world of him.  He’s like my dad in so many ways.  Physically & personality.  Strong, built & athletic, but no real tall.  Likes to work-out.  Opinionated.  Republican.  An occasional jerk & rude, but always redeems himself.  Despite his character flaws, I love him & always will.  Anyway, we chatted for close to 2 hours last night – or actually, this morning early.  I let him get it out of his system until he couldn’t help it anymore.  We called each other and talked until it was light out.  It actually wasn’t really talking.  Well, dirty talk, I guess you could say.  I’m just as naughty as he is, more in fact.  I often feel guilty but it is the guiltiest pleasure I’ve known since I discovered Valrohna Chocolate.  Anyway, I have the perfect spot in the woods for us up Greenhorn.  It’s been about 7.5 years since I’ve been there, but it’s secluded and perfect for getting down.  He has a video camera now.  I can’t believe we’re still planning this.  Part of me is overcome w/anticipation, and part of me is reserved and wanting to step up and be a good girl.  But he’s very persuasive – in a good way.  Anyway, enough about him for now, he won’t be here for several weeks at this point.  I started working at Casa Ramos as a bartender.  It’s not a job I’m proud to tell people about, but what can you do?

5/27/08:  Good news!  Ryan texted me finally!  I was beginning to give up on him.  I hadn’t heard from him in almost a week, and I was kinda bummed because he seemed like a great guy.  But he sent me a text saying he’s been having problems w/his phone and he’s been getting complaints from others that his text messages weren’t going through.  That and he’s spent the weekend camping.  So that explains all of the absenteeism 🙂  He’s fun to flirt w/through text messaging.  I’m stepping out of my usual routine a little because I’m not usually that flirtatious w/somebody that I don’t know.  But hey, I like this guy, well so far, what I know about him, I like.  Plans are definitely in order to travel there asap.  The great news is I get Tues, Wed & Thurs off at Casa Ramos so if I rent a car I’ll have plenty of time to see Laura, Z & Tazannah and Ryan!  I’m stoked.  I still haven’t called Laura.  I’m bad about that stuff.  I’m not sure if I’ll go next week or the next.

5/30/08:  Well, I’ve decided to go next week to Utah.  I’m pretty stoked about it.  It works for my budget & my schedule.  Plus, I’ll have 2 whole days to spend w/Ryan.  I’m hoping to hit up a few National Parks that are on the list while I’m there and I’d be stoked if Ryan came w/me.  Definitely Zion N.P. & maybe even Lake Powell, although it might be too far out of the way, perhaps the Utah side?  I’ll have to MapQuest it.

Anyways, as much as I like Ryan so far, I’m not too sure.  Well, of course, we’ve never hung out.  But he doesn’t seem overly interested in me, although he seems happy that I’m coming out to see him.  I’m just flowing…

6/1/08:  Just getting ready for the road, mostly.  I’ll be leaving in a few hours, even though I haven’t slept.  If I get sleepy, I’ll just pull over.  So I’ve revised my itinerary a bit.  I’m definitely going to stop & see Jack & Darryl in P.G.  I miss those guys.  Depending on Matt’s schedule, I’ll visit w/him for a bit, but I’m definitely crashing at his place, just for one night probably.  Then I’ll head south.  If Laura allows it, I’ll visit her, Tazannah & Z, and take some cool pics. (Wow, I just wrote “pics” instead of “pictures.”  It’s a text-messaging syndrome, I guess).  And I’d like to go to SD to visit Jon Dixon.  He’s got a lot of cool stuff going on there & we get along really well.  I know he likes me, and if he were a church member, there would definitely be  potential, because I like him, too.  I especially like his enthusiasm and never-ending zest for life.  He always seems so easy-going & happy.  And he’s handsome.  A little more petite than I prefer as far as build, but that’s easily over-looked.

Anyway, I’ve yet to call him either, although I know that if I just showed up in town, he’d make room in his schedule for me 🙂  He’s a wonderful person.  Travis thinks he’s the Anti-Christ because he left Pre-Paid for YTB.  I think it was a dumb decision for sure, but not worth persecuting someone over.  Free enterprise is the name of the game in America.  I love it.

Anyway, after SD, I’ll drive to UT.  I’m not sure what we’ll be doing there, but cuddling is definitely on the list.  So is a massage.  Maybe a nap.  Some dinner.  I’m not too concerned w/what we do, as long as it’s w/him, so that we can get to know each other a little better at least.  Maybe that will help to shed a little light on this somewhat intriguing situation.

I mentioned my road trip to Travis.  He didn’t sound all that thrilled for me.  As far as I know, he knows nothing of Ryan.  I asked Zion not to mention it to him, so that I wouldn’t have to explain anything or hurt him further.  It would only be a repeat of our last blow-up and I know he hurts, and I don’t want him to hurt.  It’s so confusing because I know he likes Mimi a lot and I now know that he was dating Lisa the whole time, but yet he was angry & hurt & devastated when I told him about Jon Dixon last August/Sept (I think it was early Sept.  Definitely before the Vegas convention.)  It’s been such a grey area for me because we broke up but continued seeing each other on the D.L.  We were clearly not an item, not dating, not bf/gf, so it’s not like I cheated on him.  I really shouldn’t have mentioned it to him.  He told me that I’ve hurt him more than the death of his father hurt him.  That is so heavy.  My heart aches because he hurts.  I care for him very much.  I just want him to find happiness.  I should’ve known better than to tell him about Jon Dixon but he asked – SPECIFICALLY – in two different ways – “You swear you haven’t kissed anyone since me?”  And “Tell me the truth, did you ever kiss Jon Dixon?”  I don’t know why he wants to know so bad.  He tortures himself.  I said “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t discuss this topic.”  But he persisted the way he always does.  He baited, too, by saying it doesn’t matter now, I can tell him.  So duh, Jodi.  I told him.  I didn’t tell him all of the details, but he could immediately tell I was trying to filter it.  He was way upset.  We hung up.  I called back, upset myself, and said it’s all in the past, and he was half asleep by then, and his demeanor had turned soft and said it’s ok, it just stems from the fact that he is lonely.  When he pulled the lonely card again, it brought tears to my eyes.  He deserves a happy & fulfilling relationship just as much as I do.  I don’t want him to be lonely.  To think that at one time we could’ve been married seems so far from what is now.  At least he’s found his “the one”!!! That’s more than I can say.  And although all of that is true, we still fight feelings for each other?  He told me via gmail chat that he still fights feelings for me everyday.  I was a little surprised to learn that.  I know that he cared for me and all.  Honestly, I’ve been largely ignoring any feelings that creep up up, usually by just distracting myself.  The prospects of new beginnings on the horizon promise light again at the end of the tunnel, a short tunnel as I’ve made this journey more than twice before & each time, the tunnel is a little bit shorter, each time, I’m always a little bit stronger.  I love Travis & always will.  We are just different.  His fiery temper doesn’t mix w/my tendency to cry at the drop of a hat, over spilled milk, or whatever.

Anyway, huge disgression so mums the word on Mr. Ryan Burns, although Travis jokingly insinuated that I was certainly making a trip out to UT for a “reason”.  He said, “Uh-huh, yeah, sure, I bet. ” etc.  He’s not dumb and won’t be able to pull it over his eyes for long if things progress.  But that’s ok. Maybe if he hears it through the grapevine, he’ll have even more incentive to walk toward getting his marriage on.  Which would mean no more messing around, being naughty w/me or whoever else he might be doing his thing with.

He also began to sweet talk / guilt me that I was making the road trip to UT to visit friends, etc. & when I could instead come out to AZ & see him.  He actually made me regret my itinerary for a few moments.  He is incredibly persuasive.  But I stood my ground! Honestly if it weren’t for the prospect of hanging out with Ryan and getting to know him better, I would have been weak & folded I would have cancelled my plans to Utah entirely  & driven down to is house.  He actually a little bit hurt & upset that I didn’t change my mind 😦

I gently declined, gently refused, but I could tell he was bothered.  I reminded him that he’s going to be here soon anyways.  I played up all of the fun things that we’re going to experience.  I just got a few “yeah, buts…       ”  and eventually an “ok, whatever.”  He’s stubborn… So am I, really.  But it’s already.  I have a few more things to do & then I’m hitting the road.  To Redding, where I’ll leave my car, then onward.

#Audacity

@lisawJ13