- Was JA mentally ill prior to the murder? A: She has BPD and it doesn’t come out of the blue.
- Without having training in DAPS testing, what is your basis for believing RG administered incorrectly? A: it is self-reporting test. Don’t need extensive training in it. I have read the manual several times–many mistakes.
- How many tests are there to diagnose the disorder and PTSD? A: There are 100s of tests. Some are more popular.
- How many did you personally administer? A: RAP, MMPI, TSI, WAIS. Four.
- How many years experience do you have in treating DV? A: Since 2004
- How many years experience with victims of sexual abuse? A: Same time frame.
- Do these fields require certification? A: Yes for a clinical psychologist. In terms of PTSD or DV, there’s no certification out there.
- When you were treating patients from 2004-2008, was it by yourself or with another psychologist? A: While unlicensed, we practice under the license of another psychologist but we meet alone with the patient.
- Do you feel that the knowledge of a sexual assault is as damaging as having a memory of it? A: Memory supports symptoms of intrusive thoughts. It wouldn’t be PTSD without memory.
- Can the body have reactions to certain stimuli that triggers emotions to a memory? A: Yes–there could be a physiological reaction.
- In one of the communications between JA and TA, TA says JA can have all of his passwords. Is it still unwanted intrusive behavior? A: No–not when they exchanged. As time went on, it was clear TA took away the permission.
- There were some communications between TA and other women where he complained that JA wouldn’t leave him alone. Were these people, like Michele Lowry, aware of his relationship with JA? A: Not the the extent it was sexual.
- How long in total did JA work at the Purple Plum both times? A: JD needs to look at her notes. (Pause as she looks.) Doesn’t have the exact times she worked there.
- Did you monitor her at all after the 4 times you met with her? A: No.
- How far back did your forensic evaluation go and were all the records were available? A: All the records pertaining to her were made available to me, as far as I know. Evaluation wnet back to her childhood.
- Do you consider BPD a mental illness or psychological disorder and why? A: It’s a psychological disorder (same as metal illness)
- How does dissociation play into BPD? A: It’s a technique to distance oneself from an environment that is anxiety-provoking. One of the symptoms of BPD is dissociation and paranoia.
Mesa, Arizona June 4th
Two years, countless hours and endless conversations. As armchair detectives and avid trial watchers we’ve picked apart the evidence, passed judgement on the key players, debated the motive and lamented over testimony. But at some point in a quiet moment throughout the course of these trials, there’s always a time we finally let our minds wander. We consider all we have learned and like the jolting memory of a nightmare past, we let the deadly scene play out in our heads…
Past the Prius parked idly in a locked garage, to an office with a dark laptop save for one flashing light. Up the stairs there’s an empty media room once brimming with friends, through a set of stark white, double doors… we find two people entangled in the most hideous way…
This excerpt from Audacity is a snapshot of the vision that Nick and I share for the events of June 4th…
“I have no reason to hold anything back at this point, nor do I want to go to my grave having withheld anything that might help you piece some things together. It’s no longer about me and the things I don’t want you all to know. You deserve to know.” – Jodi’s letter to the Alexander family, July 28, 2008
Tired after the long drive Jodi pulls onto Travis’ street under the cover of night. She parks in the driveway and grabs a small overnight bag. The rear number plate of her hired car is upside down. The front plate is missing entirely. She kills the lights, and the dark haired huntress walks to the front door. The man inside the house is watching a Daft Punk video on his computer in his office. He knows Jodi is coming. She’ll stay a few hours, they’ll have some fun and she’ll be off to Utah.
Travis answers the door and Naps rushes out. The dog is a handy distraction from the tension that’s been brewing between Jodi and Travis the last few weeks. Jodi greets Naps and then quickly hugs Travis and kisses him on his neck.
“Hey, aren’t you gonna kiss me?” she says.
He kisses her on the mouth.
“Can I help you with your bag?”
“No, that’s Ok,” Jodi says sweetly.
“When I think of our relationship and the way things were, my heart begins to ache all over again. I miss those wonderful times. Why did it happen this way?”
“You’re probably wasted from driving all night. I know I’m wasted from stayin’up all night waiting for you,” he says, walking ahead of her.
“He makes me sad and miserable.”
As she walks behind him, watching him move up the stairs, Jodi wonders: Is this guy single, successful and spiritual? Or is this a phoney bullshitter who sells legal services to people who can’t afford lawyers? He can’t even afford to hold onto his own car. He’s a demon who preys on the weak. And demons must be destroyed…
“The last few days I’ve only felt bitter resentment toward him between the indifference and the pain.”
He loved Prepaid Legal because it was going to help him fulfil his dreams (except that wasn’t true). Prepaid sucked up her time, and gave nothing back, just as Travis sucked up her time, and what did she have to show for it? 10 years after dropping out of school, what did she have to show for it?
“I’m tired of disappointment. I’m so ready to live a full life.”
Travis has it all, of course. He’s found his home, he’s on the verge of a happily ever after, and Jodi wants it too. It’s a life she’s been working towards, waiting on, for ten years. And she found it with Travis, but then lost it. Because he treated her like a doormat and then when he got what he wanted, he’d thrown it away. He’d thrown her away. He treated women like garbage for his own pleasure. He wanted them whenever it suited him, and once he’d gotten his fill, cast them aside like garbage.
“Remember that your thoughts are the primary cause of everything.” ― Rhonda Byrne, The Secret
“Poor guy. It must be difficult to have to juggle all of those different girls, keeping one separate from another.”
Travis. Dear Travis. My darling, two-timing bullshitter. A pervert. One thing to the world, another thing to me. I’m his dirty little secret, and what is he to me? My curse. My burden.
The resentment stews in her belly so strongly now it burns. She can almost taste the bile in her mouth.
Travis is saying something to her, but she can’t hear.
“Oh, my hair,” she giggles, “yeah, I thought you’d like it. I did it for you”
“Why don’t you put it in braids for me and then I’ll bend you over and give your ass a good pounding.”
“Let’s sleep first, I’m tired. Aren’t you tired?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty beat. Did you get the KY?”
Jodi holds it out to him.
“That’s my naughty little schoolgirl.”
The murderess lays there silently, pretending she’s asleep.
“Sometimes I feel so broken that I can’t even cry. Other times I feel so broken that all I can do is cry.”
Travis’ bed is soft and comfortable. This would have been her bed, her home, if he wasn’t such a hyprocrite. Hell, a few months ago this was her home.
“I go from one end of the spectrum, where I feel afraid, to the other, where a tremendous peace comes over me”…
Audacity is available on Amazon
Will Borderline Personality Disorder Save Jodi’s Life?
It’s February 7, 2015, and we’re at the 4 month mark of the Jodi Arias penalty phase. Sadly, this surpasses the length of time it took for her original case to play out in court. It’s easy to forget sometimes we’re not watching a trial to determine her guilt, but rather listening to mitigating factors that could spare her life. It’s an important differentiation to make when we have the conversation about whether or not Borderline Personality Disorder can and should effect the decision the jury will render.
During the course of a regular trial, if the defendant claims to have a mental defect, they have a few different avenues in which to plead their case. One is Diminished Capacity, the other is Insanity. Let’s first take a look at these defenses to understand how they work and how they are relevant.
The defense of insanity and diminished capacity although clearly distinct are not inconsistent defenses and both may be at issue in the same case. The critical distinctions are that diminished capacity is a partial, negating defense (negates an element of the state’s case) with the burden on the state to show that the defendant acted with the requisite state of mind while insanity is a complete but affirmative defense – the defendant bearing the burden of proving that he was legally insane.
Insanity, with the hopes of acquittal, was not a defense used in Jodi’s original trial. What is Insanity and how does it work?
Legal Insanity: Background
The first known recognition of insanity as a defense to criminal charges was recorded in a 1581 English legal treatise stating that, “If a madman or a natural fool, or a lunatic in the time of his lunacy” kills someone, they cannot be held accountable. British courts came up with the “wild beast” test in the 18th Century, in which defendants were not to be convicted if they understood the crime no better than “an infant, a brute, or a wild beast.” Besides the fact that courts no longer use the terms “lunatic” or “wild beast,” current laws allowing for the insanity defense follow a similar logic. The legal basis for insanity was codified into British law in the mid 19th Century with the M’Naughten Rule, which is used in a majority of U.S. states and other jurisdictions around the world today. See Current Application of the Insanity Defense and Status of the Insanity Defense to learn more.
How Courts Test for Legal Insanity
Depending on the jurisdiction, courts use one or a combination of the following tests for legal insanity: The “M’Naghten Rule” – Defendant either did not understand what he or she did, or failed to distinguish right from wrong, because of a “disease of mind.” The “Irresistible Impulse” Test – As a result of a mental disease, defendant was unable to control his impulses, which led to a criminal act. The “Durham Rule” – Regardless of clinical diagnosis, defendant’s “mental defect” resulted in a criminal act. The “Model Penal Code” Test for Legal Insanity – Because of a diagnosed mental defect, defendant either failed to understand the criminality of his acts, or was unable to act within the confines of the law.
The Insanity Defense: State Laws
A few states do not allow the insanity defense against criminal charges, including Idaho, Kansas, Montana, and Utah. All four of these states, with the exception of Kansas, allow “guilty but insane” verdicts, which often provide for institutionalization in lieu of prison. Most states that recognize legal insanity use either the M’Naghten Rule (sometimes in combination with the Irrestistible Impulse Test) or the Model Penal Code. Only New Hampshire uses the Durham standard. See The Insanity Defense Among the States for a complete list. – http://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-procedure/insanity-defense.html
They did however try for diminished capacity…
Diminished capacity is a partial defense to charges that require that the defendant act with a particular state of mind. For example, first degree murder requires that the state prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant acted with premeditation, deliberation and the specific intent to kill – all three are necessary elements of the state’s case.
If evidence exists, sufficient to create a reasonable doubt as to whether the defendant because of mental illness or “defect” possessed the capacity to premeditate, deliberate or form the specific intent to kill then the state cannot convict the defendant of first degree murder. This does not mean that the defendant is entitled to an acquittal. The defendant still might be convicted of second degree murder which only requires that the defendant act with general malice. – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diminished_responsibility
There are three ways the defense tried to use diminished capacity. First, with the suggestion of parental abuse. The problem with that though is typically an abuse defense is only relevant if the defendant acted in retaliation toward their abuser. Using your own prior abuse as a defense to violently harm another individual who is completely unrelated is a tough row to hoe in any courtroom.
So, second, enter the claim that Travis was her abuser. Not just physical abuse, but relentless verbal and emotional abuse. In my opinion, one of the tell-tale signs that Jodi was lying through her teeth about Travis abusing her was obviously her neglect to tell the police for a few years after her arrest, but also on the stand, she heavily muted his behavior towards her. She would throw out a crumb that Travis treated her poorly, but then reign it back in with tales of how she loved him and enjoyed sex with him. And then she unloaded a bombshell when she told the court he had tried to kill her on one other occasion. But clearly showed no fear of this man whatsoever and continued with their affair. She also downplayed his supposed pedophilia. These were outlandish claims that simply made no sense and were unbelievable. Even the defense team had to recognize that.
So, to create the trifecta, and to avoid having to explain the 29 stab wounds and gaping hole in his neck (which is completely unexplainable), they entered the PTSD diagnosis… also known as Jodi’s Fog. And let’s be clear on this – they did bring Richard Samuels to court during the original trial with a clinical evaluation and testing that diagnosed Jodi with PTSD. It was not, as Nurmi claimed in court this week, a mere “suggestion” that she had it. Juan Martinez largely discredited Samuels’ original findings and his efforts proved to be successful as the jury didn’t buy the PTSD claim and ultimately found her culpable at the highest level.
Jodi was found guilty of murder one – premediated murder. This means the original jury believed she acted with premeditation, deliberation and the specific intent to kill. But they couldn’t come to an agreement on the penalty she should receive. One of the main reasons for that was four of the jurors, including the foreman, thought to some extent Travis’ treatment of Jodi made her go a little bit bonkers. Now, obviously, I’m simplifying this a bit. But it’s not an unfair statement to say although the defense was unsuccessful in protecting Jodi from a murder one verdict, they were somewhat successful in planting the seed of sexual deviance (translating to abuse) by Travis. It didn’t work as diminished capacity, but could it work as a mitigating factor?
So here we are two years later, in a penalty phase, still talking about abuse, behavior patterns and mental instability. Not just Travis’, but also Jodi’s. The assertion of Borderline Personality Disorder was introduced by DeMarte in the original trial, but scoffed at by the defense team at the time. It didn’t fit into their – PTSD/Jodi was beaten with a wooden spoon as a child/Jodi was a sex slave to Travis/let’s have a pity party for Jodi’s sad life – defense plan.
But now that she’s been convicted of the worst possible crime and we have a whole new jury, and whole new opportunity to explain why Jodi behaved the way she did, the defense needs something big to win this part of their case. Let’s face it, in the realm of murder, what she did was way beyond excessive and cruel. This isn’t your average crime of passion. This is a monster on two feet. For the defense to have any hope, they must be able to explain why Jodi did what she did and a cheating boyfriend alone simply won’t cut it. So although the evidence introduced by DeMarte this week (which will be covered in detail in a future blog post) was incredibly strong for the state to illustrate Jodi’s mendacity and callous nature, there is the chance that it could also work in favor of the defense.
So let’s first look at what Borderline Personality Disorder is…
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In 1980, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Third Edition (DSM-III) listed BPD as a diagnosable illness for the first time. Most psychiatrists and other mental health professionals use the DSM to diagnose mental illnesses.
Because some people with severe BPD have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name “borderline personality disorder” is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.
Most people who have BPD suffer from:
- Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
- Impulsive and reckless behavior
- Unstable relationships with other people
People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:
- Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
- A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
- Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
- Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
- Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
- Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
- Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
- Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
- Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with BPD may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder. – http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml
On the surface, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that one or more jurors could consider a mental disorder, one which drives a person’s impulsivity, a reason to spare a life. They could make the argument that Jodi couldn’t control herself and there are patterns to support that throughout her life. In other words, if Jodi didn’t have this “condition”, she never would have acted this way, taking some of the culpability away from her. BUT… here’s why I don’t think that will be the case…
And I’m not talking about the text book definition of premeditation that only requires a small window of time in which the defendant considered their actions. In this case, we have movie-style premeditation. The stuff that only screenwriters dream up. We have a clear record of venomous text communication between the victim and perpetrator weeks before, a stolen gun one week before, a rental car, changed appearance, gas cans, cell phone switched off, falsified journal entries… all of it amounting to clear thought and clear planning way in advance. A thousand miles in advance. Jodi is not mentally insane. A mental disorder is not the same thing as insanity and it’s imperative that Martinez makes that clear to the jury in closing. It all comes down to whether or not Jodi knew what she was doing. And it has been proven a hundred times over in this case that she did know what she was doing. If she didn’t, she would have been convicted of second degree murder, or possibly even manslaughter. The first jury spoke loud and clear and this current jury has to consider that.
In light of that, I think BPD as a mitigating factor will fail. I don’t think it’s enough to spare her life at this point.
What do you think?
01:00 JA: I wouldn’t hurt Travis. He’s done so much for me.
01:05 DF: There’s so much evidence in that house. So much… and it all points to you.
01:11 JA: I…I lived there. I was there for months and months and months.
01:17 DF: Mmm Hmm. I know you took pictures of him in the shower, just before he died.
01:31 JA: I don’t think he would allow that…
01:32 DF: Mmm Hmm…and the camera actually took a couple of photos by accident during the time he was being killed.
01:42 JA: Really?
01:43 DF: Yeah, Jodi, really! You were there! Quit playing this game. It’s time for you to just come out and tell me…
01:52 JA: I didn’t…no…I did not hurt Travis. I did not hurt Travis. I wouldn’t do that to him.
02:09 DF: We have the pictures.
02:21 JA: Can I see the pictures?
Available on Amazon…. AUDACITY
A narrative that explores the brazen nature of a cold-blooded killer.
How does somebody like Jodi Arias come into existence? Time and again, we are surprised by the evil that exists in our world. Why are we so easily deceived? And what imminent peril faces us when we lead double-standard lives? Come with us on this journey and take a deeper look into the world of Jodi and Travis…
Jodi’s Last Month of Freedom 2008
Excerpts from Jodi’s Journal:
5/18/08: Frustrating times. My Helio phone was stolen. It is hugely inconvenient. I notified a few people, namely Ryan, Steve, & Sam, via email/myspace. I hope Ryan doesn’t think I flaked on him. I also let Gus know, too, since he was supposed to get back to me about how his date w/Joy went. I sort of steered him toward her so I’m a little proud of myself 🙂
I love the Church as always. I love being Morman. This is the only ward so far (Yreka) where I haven’t sat down w/the Bishop.
This coming Saturday I’m singing at the races. Nervous? very. Travis was tentatively planning to come and see me, but now it’s been pushed back to the beginning of June. I don’t think it’s a good idea that he comes, as much as I miss his company. Besides, I think he just wants to see me for one reason, and so that’s definitely not a good idea. I’m just not physically attracted to him anymore. I feel like a cloud has lifted since I moved back. He’s still a great friend w/flaws, but I have plenty of those, too. And although I take it as somewhat a compliment that he’s still attracted to me, I don’t think it goes very deep.
I’m probably going to Utah, soon! I can’t wait to finally hang w/Ryan.
5/22/08: Sad news: I finally had “the conversation” w/Travis and it did not go well. I sort of put it to him already in an email I sent a few days ago and he didn’t like that either, nor did he take the hint. so I realized I had to be a little bit more direct. I told him that of course I’m looking for his impending visit, that I can’t wait to check more things off of the list (from 1,000 Places), but that we probably would be better off in all ways if we were not physical. He got offended and upset, then acted distant. I tried being so sweet & speak kindly to him, playing up all of the advantages of not violating the law of chastity, and he didn’t want to hear any of it. He said he already knows all of that. Then it got worse, he asked me who I’m seeing, have I been getting my kicks w/someone else, etc. Of course I swore that I wasn’t (which is true) but also pointed out that even if I was, then that’s my right. I also pointed out that I didn’t freak out when he confessed his potentially undying love for Mimi. He said to leave his love life out of it. Typical. Then after a moment, he apologized, and said a lot of his frustration is from the fact that things in his dating life aren’t going that well, that yes, he still likes Mimi, but it’s not progressing the way he wants it to, and he’s leaning toward giving up on her. I told him to be patient, she’ll come around. The problem w/Travis, is hes so used to girls falling all over themselves for him & she doesn’t do that. He needs that, I really think he does, – to wait.
Well, even sadder is we agreed to amicably part ways. He is an amazing person, and he’s told me countless times that I am one of the most beautiful people he’s ever met – on the inside & out. But it is really better this way. We both agreed to change our passwords, which we had exchanged eons ago to establish, or re-establish “trust which we had both violated, so no more of that. We had picked 2 accounts, so I chose Facebook & Gmail & he chose Facebook & Myspace.
We are truly good people at the core, both of us, but we can’t behave ourselves when we’re around each other, not even over the phone. He said I am still like kryptonite to him. But I’m tired of being guilt-ridden when the air clears.
I knew it was wrong going over there all of those nights, but I couldn’t say no to him, I couldn’t not pick up the phone. He would rationalize it saying “it’s really not that bad,” or “come on, I want to please you,” and I was weak. I went anyway, I answered the phone anyway.
Moving has certainly helped me morally. I don’t know if it has him or if he’s found a replacement booty-call. For his sake I hope he hasn’t, not because it would be a replacement but because it is not spiritually productive. We both want to get married and I don’t think either of us is anywhere near that if we continue to act immorally.
I am mortified that my phone was stolen. It had a hugely scandalous text message from him (10 pgs!) that he sent last week. It would make a steamy romance novel sound like script from a G-rated Disney movie. I also had 1 or 2 recorded conversations that were equally as scandalous. I never did figure out how to play those back for him. Well they’re gone now & we won’t be making more. Well, actually I wouldn’t bet on it entirely, one of us will crack & call the other.
Wherever my phone is now, I just hope to text messages & conversations are never discovered. yikes. It’s certainly not Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton level scandal, there’s no video, but it would be embarrassing none-the-less.
I am honestly relieved about the whole thing. The “just friends” had too many complicated “benefits.” I’m not seeing anyone per se, but somehow I feel like it still isn’t fair to any of my current prospects. And Travis said he’s still certain he wants to marry Mimi, although they’re not yet dating. It’s not fair to her either, in my opinion. We hadn’t talked about her in so long, I didn’t realize he was still in pursuit. I wouldn’t dare lecture him over it though. The first thing that almost popped out of my mouth was, “then why the hell are we still messing around if that’s the case?!?” But I kept it shut. For 2 reasons. 1. It would be like the pot calling the kettle black (as I’ve had my eye on some wonderfuls myself) 2. I honestly don’t think Travis can be monogomous. I’m certain he wasn’t w/me. Although I don’t dwell on it anymore, but my certainty was further solidified when his pattern of behavior continued w/his next girlfriend, Lisa Andrews. When he finally admitted that they had been dating, I felt so guilty. I almost wanted to tell her, it seemed only fair, but by then had already broken up and he had moved onto Mimi. Besides, not only would telling her destroy our friendship (mine & his), but it would cause a lot of unnecessary drama and pain. And just because Travis acted like a schmuck when it came to how he treated his previous girlfriends, doesn’t mean he’s capable of learning how to be better. It’s just that I’ve yet to see evidence of it. But perhaps it will be different w/Mimi. One things for sure, I wouldn’t want to be the “other girl” in that relationship. I couldn’t handle the guilt. And these things don’t necessarily discount all of his other amazing qualities. he’s done more for me than I could ever count. He’s helped me in every area of my life. I am indebted to him for all of the wonderful things that he’s done. He’s just so dang hot & cold. Bi-polar even, it would seem. But I have a gazillion memories that we’ve created that I will always value, just like the ones w/Bobby, Matt, and Darryl. All unique. All special, all priceless. Anyway, one thing I do know is it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’m saddened, yes, but it feels like a conclusion, like closure. The final chapter was finally written and the end was bitter-sweet. He said on some level, we will always be friends, but we both agreed that it’s better this way. It’s true. And it’s very much in alignment w/the email I sent him a few days ago. He’ll be so much better off this way spiritually & emotionally. And I’ll start dating for real again soon. Not this casual fill-in-your-Friday-night stuff. I won’t miss his teasing or his bi-polar tendencies to snap and yell and say things he ends up regretting, but I will miss his sense of humor. We still have his car to take care of, but he’ll keep me posted on any new developments. He said if all else fails, then we’ll just scrap it but I would never do him wrong. Anyway, that concludes things, I guess. I’m sad, yet relieved, content, liberated, even.
5/24/08: On the romantic front, I haven’t heard much from Ryan 😦 Maybe he lost interest, I don’t know. I guess time will tell. Sam calls and texts me quite consistently though, nearly everyday as of late. I haven’t been consistent enough w/ responding, so I’d better get on the ball w/that. He seems like a really nice guy. He’s funny and easy to talk to. He has a strong testimony of the church. He doesn’t say much about his daughter Taylee, so that raises a small concern. The fact that he has a daughter isn’t a deal-breaker, but one thing that is most definitely at the top of my list is “devoted father” among other things. Maybe he’s just resistant to talk about her because he thinks it’ll turn me off. It wouldn’t, not in the least. If anything, it would probably make him even more attractive to me. If we do decide to take things further, and if it ever did work out, I’m just not sure how I’d enjoy living in Tucson. But that’s all in theory right now. Speaking of AZ, I found myself missing Dan Freeman today. Strange. Not in a romantic way, but we bonded, and he’s a great friend.
5/26/08: Ok, so we finally cracked. I called and left Travis a voicemail and he called back. He was acting very angry at first. He said check your email so I did, but there wasn’t anything from him. So I called back and said I couldn’t find an email, & he said he sent it on Facebook. So I checked my Facebook and there was a really, long, ridiculous email from him, just being his classic rude. We also chatted on gmail, more rude. He accused me again of slashing his tires, which of course is not true. He was mad that I got into his Facebook account, which I would understand otherwise, except he gave me the password before. duh! But I haven’t logged into it in almost a week since he told me he doesn’t want to do that anymore. So again, it was just one of his cycles. I’ve somehow managed to become his whipping-girl, and we’re both addicted to it. It’s the same pattern as always, he gets pissed, goes off on me, feels bad, we “make-up”, things are mellow for a few days, then the cycle begins again. I’ve learned that it’s better to just let it run its course. Yes Travis you’re right, Travis, whatever you say, Travis. As long as I’m not too patronizing he goes right through it and then ends up being apologetic & sweet – talking afterward, and we end up having make-up sex, or in this case, phone sex. We’re crazy, being addicted to this cycle. We’ve explored about 90% of all of our fantasies. We’ve yet to pull over on the freeway and do it on the hood of the car in the middle of the day. I seriously doubt that will ever happen. We haven’t done the mile-high yet, and probably never will, and we’ve yet to act out the Little Red Riding Hood spin in the woods, which as of last night is now still scheduled to happen. I still have my doubts. I know I’m not seeing anyone, but I don’t want to sabotage any future possibilities. I’m not superstitious, but somehow it seems obvious that the only way we are going to move on is if we discontinue sexual contact. I cracked and called. He called back. We fought, then made up. I still care so much for him. He’s a great guy and he’s always been there for me.
He let’s things go to his head at times, so I’ve been less liberal w/my compliments & praise, although truthfully I think the world of him. He’s like my dad in so many ways. Physically & personality. Strong, built & athletic, but no real tall. Likes to work-out. Opinionated. Republican. An occasional jerk & rude, but always redeems himself. Despite his character flaws, I love him & always will. Anyway, we chatted for close to 2 hours last night – or actually, this morning early. I let him get it out of his system until he couldn’t help it anymore. We called each other and talked until it was light out. It actually wasn’t really talking. Well, dirty talk, I guess you could say. I’m just as naughty as he is, more in fact. I often feel guilty but it is the guiltiest pleasure I’ve known since I discovered Valrohna Chocolate. Anyway, I have the perfect spot in the woods for us up Greenhorn. It’s been about 7.5 years since I’ve been there, but it’s secluded and perfect for getting down. He has a video camera now. I can’t believe we’re still planning this. Part of me is overcome w/anticipation, and part of me is reserved and wanting to step up and be a good girl. But he’s very persuasive – in a good way. Anyway, enough about him for now, he won’t be here for several weeks at this point. I started working at Casa Ramos as a bartender. It’s not a job I’m proud to tell people about, but what can you do?
5/27/08: Good news! Ryan texted me finally! I was beginning to give up on him. I hadn’t heard from him in almost a week, and I was kinda bummed because he seemed like a great guy. But he sent me a text saying he’s been having problems w/his phone and he’s been getting complaints from others that his text messages weren’t going through. That and he’s spent the weekend camping. So that explains all of the absenteeism 🙂 He’s fun to flirt w/through text messaging. I’m stepping out of my usual routine a little because I’m not usually that flirtatious w/somebody that I don’t know. But hey, I like this guy, well so far, what I know about him, I like. Plans are definitely in order to travel there asap. The great news is I get Tues, Wed & Thurs off at Casa Ramos so if I rent a car I’ll have plenty of time to see Laura, Z & Tazannah and Ryan! I’m stoked. I still haven’t called Laura. I’m bad about that stuff. I’m not sure if I’ll go next week or the next.
5/30/08: Well, I’ve decided to go next week to Utah. I’m pretty stoked about it. It works for my budget & my schedule. Plus, I’ll have 2 whole days to spend w/Ryan. I’m hoping to hit up a few National Parks that are on the list while I’m there and I’d be stoked if Ryan came w/me. Definitely Zion N.P. & maybe even Lake Powell, although it might be too far out of the way, perhaps the Utah side? I’ll have to MapQuest it.
Anyways, as much as I like Ryan so far, I’m not too sure. Well, of course, we’ve never hung out. But he doesn’t seem overly interested in me, although he seems happy that I’m coming out to see him. I’m just flowing…
6/1/08: Just getting ready for the road, mostly. I’ll be leaving in a few hours, even though I haven’t slept. If I get sleepy, I’ll just pull over. So I’ve revised my itinerary a bit. I’m definitely going to stop & see Jack & Darryl in P.G. I miss those guys. Depending on Matt’s schedule, I’ll visit w/him for a bit, but I’m definitely crashing at his place, just for one night probably. Then I’ll head south. If Laura allows it, I’ll visit her, Tazannah & Z, and take some cool pics. (Wow, I just wrote “pics” instead of “pictures.” It’s a text-messaging syndrome, I guess). And I’d like to go to SD to visit Jon Dixon. He’s got a lot of cool stuff going on there & we get along really well. I know he likes me, and if he were a church member, there would definitely be potential, because I like him, too. I especially like his enthusiasm and never-ending zest for life. He always seems so easy-going & happy. And he’s handsome. A little more petite than I prefer as far as build, but that’s easily over-looked.
Anyway, I’ve yet to call him either, although I know that if I just showed up in town, he’d make room in his schedule for me 🙂 He’s a wonderful person. Travis thinks he’s the Anti-Christ because he left Pre-Paid for YTB. I think it was a dumb decision for sure, but not worth persecuting someone over. Free enterprise is the name of the game in America. I love it.
Anyway, after SD, I’ll drive to UT. I’m not sure what we’ll be doing there, but cuddling is definitely on the list. So is a massage. Maybe a nap. Some dinner. I’m not too concerned w/what we do, as long as it’s w/him, so that we can get to know each other a little better at least. Maybe that will help to shed a little light on this somewhat intriguing situation.
I mentioned my road trip to Travis. He didn’t sound all that thrilled for me. As far as I know, he knows nothing of Ryan. I asked Zion not to mention it to him, so that I wouldn’t have to explain anything or hurt him further. It would only be a repeat of our last blow-up and I know he hurts, and I don’t want him to hurt. It’s so confusing because I know he likes Mimi a lot and I now know that he was dating Lisa the whole time, but yet he was angry & hurt & devastated when I told him about Jon Dixon last August/Sept (I think it was early Sept. Definitely before the Vegas convention.) It’s been such a grey area for me because we broke up but continued seeing each other on the D.L. We were clearly not an item, not dating, not bf/gf, so it’s not like I cheated on him. I really shouldn’t have mentioned it to him. He told me that I’ve hurt him more than the death of his father hurt him. That is so heavy. My heart aches because he hurts. I care for him very much. I just want him to find happiness. I should’ve known better than to tell him about Jon Dixon but he asked – SPECIFICALLY – in two different ways – “You swear you haven’t kissed anyone since me?” And “Tell me the truth, did you ever kiss Jon Dixon?” I don’t know why he wants to know so bad. He tortures himself. I said “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t discuss this topic.” But he persisted the way he always does. He baited, too, by saying it doesn’t matter now, I can tell him. So duh, Jodi. I told him. I didn’t tell him all of the details, but he could immediately tell I was trying to filter it. He was way upset. We hung up. I called back, upset myself, and said it’s all in the past, and he was half asleep by then, and his demeanor had turned soft and said it’s ok, it just stems from the fact that he is lonely. When he pulled the lonely card again, it brought tears to my eyes. He deserves a happy & fulfilling relationship just as much as I do. I don’t want him to be lonely. To think that at one time we could’ve been married seems so far from what is now. At least he’s found his “the one”!!! That’s more than I can say. And although all of that is true, we still fight feelings for each other? He told me via gmail chat that he still fights feelings for me everyday. I was a little surprised to learn that. I know that he cared for me and all. Honestly, I’ve been largely ignoring any feelings that creep up up, usually by just distracting myself. The prospects of new beginnings on the horizon promise light again at the end of the tunnel, a short tunnel as I’ve made this journey more than twice before & each time, the tunnel is a little bit shorter, each time, I’m always a little bit stronger. I love Travis & always will. We are just different. His fiery temper doesn’t mix w/my tendency to cry at the drop of a hat, over spilled milk, or whatever.
Anyway, huge disgression so mums the word on Mr. Ryan Burns, although Travis jokingly insinuated that I was certainly making a trip out to UT for a “reason”. He said, “Uh-huh, yeah, sure, I bet. ” etc. He’s not dumb and won’t be able to pull it over his eyes for long if things progress. But that’s ok. Maybe if he hears it through the grapevine, he’ll have even more incentive to walk toward getting his marriage on. Which would mean no more messing around, being naughty w/me or whoever else he might be doing his thing with.
He also began to sweet talk / guilt me that I was making the road trip to UT to visit friends, etc. & when I could instead come out to AZ & see him. He actually made me regret my itinerary for a few moments. He is incredibly persuasive. But I stood my ground! Honestly if it weren’t for the prospect of hanging out with Ryan and getting to know him better, I would have been weak & folded I would have cancelled my plans to Utah entirely & driven down to is house. He actually a little bit hurt & upset that I didn’t change my mind 😦
I gently declined, gently refused, but I could tell he was bothered. I reminded him that he’s going to be here soon anyways. I played up all of the fun things that we’re going to experience. I just got a few “yeah, buts… ” and eventually an “ok, whatever.” He’s stubborn… So am I, really. But it’s already. I have a few more things to do & then I’m hitting the road. To Redding, where I’ll leave my car, then onward.
Calls to Travis
Excerpts from voicemails:
5/15/08 / Name Unknown: Hey, dude, I just got your message. I’m so sorry. Oh, I can’t even imagine how upset you probably are right now. I’m so sorry. But um, um, I, I have to go to work right now but I’m driving to work so if you can call me back real quick we can talk for a little bit until I, I get to work, you know, but, um, I’m sorry but I don’t have a lot of time but, dude, I’m so sorry. And it’s gonna be okay though, all right? It’s gonna be okay and you’ll get through this and it’s gonna be fine. So, just give me a call if you can and I’ll talk to you later. Bye.
Date Unknown / Tonya: Hey Travis, it’s (inaudible) Tonya. Um? Just wanted to call and talk, apologize for being weird. Um? But yeah, just wanted to say hi, it’s been strange, um, and you know you don’t need that so. Anyway, um, if you want you can call me back otherwise, um, I’ll talk to you later sometime in Phoenix. All right. bye.
Exact Time Unknown / 6/4/08 / Leslie Udy: Travis, it’s Leslie. Got a question for you. I know that you and Jodi still talk a lot and everything and she was headed to Utah and I’ve been trying to call her. I can’t get a hold of her. It goes straight to voicemail but she was supposed to be here earlier today, was gonna come to training tonight and never showed up and I haven’t talked to her, I guess Ryan Burns talked to her yesterday and she told him, you know, she would be here, you know, late this afternoon or whatever but nobody’s heard from her and can’t get a hold her and, and her phone goes straight to voicemail so a little bit worried. If you know anything, give me a call, um, and let me know if you’ve been talking to her, you know, where she ended up or what’s happening. Don’t know if she (inaudible). Hey let me know. I appreciate it. Thanks Travis. Talk to you later, bye bye.
6/4/08 / Midnight / Jodi [6 hours post-murder]: Hey what’s going on? It’s almost midnight. Um? Anyway right about the time you’re starting to gear up. I know Leslie called you so I already called her so you can call her back if you want but it’s not necessary. Um? My phone died so I wasn’t getting back to anybody. Um? And what else? Oh, I drove 100 miles in the wrong direction, over 100 miles, thank you very much. So, yeah, remember New Mexico, it was a lot like that only you weren’t here to prevent me to go into the three digits, so fun, fun. I’ll tell all about that later. Um? Also we were talking about, when we were talking about your upcoming travels my way, I was looking at the May calendar, duh, so I’m all confused. Um? But Heather and I are going to see Othello on July 1st and we would love for you to accompany us. Um? I don’t know whether Team Freedom’s event is though but you know it’s on the list so we can so, um, we could do Shakespeare, Crater Lake and the coast, if, if you can make it. If not, we’ll just do the coast and Crater Lake. But let me know and I will talk to you soon. Bye.
6/5/08 / Aaron: Travis, it’s Aaron it’s about 5:00 on Thursday. I really need to get in touch with you, bro. Call me back as soon as you can. Bye.
After June 4 / Larry: Hey Travis, it’s Larry. I’m just wondering where you were, man, for this meeting, it’s 6:15. Thanks. Bye.
After June 4 / Caller Unknown: Hey, I just want to know you’re alive, um, called you several times and you’re not calling me back. So anyways, um, yeah, call me, even if you’re in the spirit world, um, I expect a phone call or a text or something. Okay, bye.
After June 4 / Reagan: I haven’t talked to you in a few days and honestly I’m really worried about you, so, if you can give me a call back when you get this and let me know that you’re okay I would appreciate it. I hope everything is okay. Talk to you soon hopefully. Bye.
After June 4 / Alicia: Hey Travis, it’s Alicia, um, I don’t know what you’re doing, if you’re busy tonight, but I really need a friend. I know I’ve been kind of flaky and kind of hit and miss, but just because my marriage is a joke and I’m trying to get out of it and, um, anyway. I just wanted to chat with you and maybe we could go to a movie or something if you’re, if you’re available. Um? If not tonight then maybe tomorrow we could hang out or something but it’s just a matter of time before, like there is just so much stuff that leaving a message or a text message or an email, I just can fill you in on my drama of a life and crappy marriage. Um? When (inaudible) out it will be easier. I know I haven’t seen you forever. But I feel like we can just pick up where we left off as far as friends go so, um? I feel like, I feel like it hasn’t been that long just seeing you just because I see you online and stuff, but I realized the other day, it’s been a long time. So, anyway, um, I also wanted to see like any connections you have as far as girls, I know, I don’t know if you know of anyone looking for a roommate, um, I’m trying to get a house with my friend Laura Bigger(sp), do you remember her? Um? and move out as soon as possible and get this joke of a marriage over with. So, just give me a call. I don’t know why I feel compelled to talk to you. I just think that you’re in a good, good place in life and I could really use that. It could be really helpful for me and getting me back on track and actually to be around someone that’s positive and going somewhere in life. So, you know my number talk to you soon. Bye
After June 4 / Chris: (inaudible) change of plans, Thursday, Chichen Itza and Tulum for 100 bucks a person. I need to know now if you’re going and if Mimi’s going. Yeah, he’s in the middle of a project. But you know what his phone just didn’t ring today and it’s not ringing now. I wonder what’s up with that? I wonder. I don’t have his home number in my phone. You do? I’m gonna call you on your home line dog. Peace. If you need to get a hold of me just email me. I’ve got wireless internet. Okay, late.
After June 4 / Caller Unknown: T, email me man. I sent. I left you a couple message on your home line. Been trying to get a hold of you for days, days and days and days. Um? If we don’t hear back from you mui pronto, like within the next hour, yeah, well like seriously we won’t have room so, um, we’re, we’re gonna have to just make confirmations without you ’cause I have to give the guy an exact number ’cause he gets a car just the right size, so, if there is an extra space in his car, oh, my gosh, (inaudible) dude, just let me apologize in advance. She said you can hang out with Abe. We’ve seen him more than we’ve seen anybody. It’s kind of funny. Bravo, that’s what he always says anytime there’s an applause necessary he says bravo, very unique. All right, dude, so no phone calls from you, no emails, no frickin’ nothing, jack nothing.
Travis’ Last Two Months
It’s easy to write about Jodi Arias. With her ever-changing looks and personalities, her lies and deceptions, her lust and greed, and most of all, her shockingly violent behavior. We’ll never run out of things to say about Jodi.
But how often have we talked about Travis? I mean, really talked about Travis. Not just that he was a good guy, outgoing and hard working. Not all of the fluffy stuff that people say when a good person has passed on. I’m talking about the flaws, the disappointments, the struggles and idiosyncrasies… the things that make a person unique. The things that make us real. To talk about these things doesn’t have to be seen as a disservice to the dead. It’s a real conversation about who these people were, what they dreamed for their life and where they fell short. Isn’t there value in discussing that?
A few things stood out to me when reading Travis’ journals from the last two months of his life. First, he only mentioned Jodi twice. A stark contrast to Jodi’s journals that constantly lament about Travis. About how much she loves him, all the things they did together, both small and big, the conversations they shared, and the many ways he let her down. Yes, many of Jodi’s journals were BS. But once you get a feel for her manipulative patterns, you can start to see what was real and what was likely fake. What’s abundantly clear is that her life was completely centered around one person – Travis.
But for Travis, in the last two months of his life, the first time he mentions Jodi in his journal is to say that she’s gone. As in, gone from Mesa and one could infer, gone from his life. The second was to document a full day in which he had no communication with her – and he loved it!
The next thing I noticed was his clear attempt at utilizing the Laws of Attraction. All throughout his writing he repeats life is good regardless of what’s happening at the time. He wills things into existence. But we all know – although he wasn’t writing about Jodi, he was still doing Jodi – and then some. Maybe she didn’t mean enough to him (his dirty little secret) to write about her, or maybe he was bullshitting his own journal and didn’t have the nerve to put in writing what he was really doing. Either way – what he was writing, what he was wishing and what he was doing were not in unison. Not even close.
The third thing that surprised me was his affection for Lisa Andrews. We’ve all focused on Mimi Hall as being the woman he supposedly wanted to marry, the one he was taking to Cancun, but in most of his writing in April & May, he talks a lot about how much he misses and loves Lisa.
In court last week, numerous text messages were released that we hadn’t yet heard, documenting just how many women Travis was speaking to in the last months of his life. And quite honestly, it was shocking. He was clearly on a path to find a wife and he says so in his journal, but he was also playing the field – hard. He talks about meeting women online and at parties although, again, what he was saying in his text messages was a far cry from what he was saying in his journal. Maybe he chose not to share those things with family, friends, and obviously church members, but the biggest problem he had was being dishonest with himself.
The point of all this isn’t to be critical of Travis dating multiple women. It’s not to blame him for his untimely, horrific, death. Jodi holds responsibility for that. And it’s certainly not to suggest that he was an abuser. I don’t believe that, nor is there any evidence to support that. The point is to look at where Travis and Jodi were in their lives and what factors may have lead to their collective demise. There’s a much bigger story to tell than simply blaming it all on jealousy. No, there was a lot more going on and the picture becomes a little clearer when you take a close look at their very own words…
Excerpts from Travis’ Journal:
4/8/08: Life is good. I am happy. I want a girlfriend that has the potential to marry. Now that Jodi is gone and Deanna is moving, space is created, less drama can insue. I miss Lisa. I feel like a fool pursuing Mimi. I was just so confused by it all. I was also stressed about money. This was all motivation to kind of let things go by the way side. I feel like an idiot. I’m also sad because I lost my journal and wouldn’t be surprised if it was stolen and most of time with Lisa is in there.
4/9/08: I think I am going to hit a grandslam on all of the stuff I’ve got going today. I’m in the zone. I have much regret with Lisa right now. I messed up a good thing. Anyhow I will think on this for a bit longer and figure out what I am going to do. Anyhow today is gonna be great and I’m gonna be happy. Life is always perfect and is the way it is, sure can become better.
4/10/08: Mimi emailed me and texted me a few times, also she complimented me on my house and also on the speech I did. Her mother and herself listened to it. She having a book/film club. I think she is gonna hold the thing at my house. We will see. I’m not gonna get too excited. My mind is already all over the place right now. I talked to Michelle and Taylor about stuff. Taylor are in the same boat of possible regret, lonliness, confusion and inconsistant commitment. Michelle and Lisa are similar on sum raspects too. They don’t want a ton to do with me. I didn’t speak to Jodi for the entire day. Wow. I think that would never happen. I loved it. No negativity, no distractions. I’m sure it was good for her too. Anyhow that’s about it. Life is wonderful.
4/14/08: This week should be a great week. A lot to do and a lot of unfolding events. The book club. A new RM, the Cancun trip. I think good news will come out of all of them. So I’m gonna assume that’s the case and get to work. Life is good. Back to work.
4/15/08: The good news is I got an email today saying that I qualified for the Cancun trip. I’m very very excited about that. Prepaid has allowed me to have a lot of fun. I’m very fortunate.
4/16/08: Today is gonna be productive and I am happy about it. I have my book club with Mimi, so I’m pretty elated about that. So life is good and getting better.
4/17/08: Well yesterday as I suspected due to lack of promotion and human nature, the meeting sponsored by Mimi was slim not a ton of people there. Anyhow it meant more Mimi for Me Me 🙂 We saw on the same Lovesac. That’s right she invited me to sit next to her. So I am pretty excited. Not only that but we are hanging out tomorrow watching some of those movies. I’m just excited to be around her. I need to find out when I have to make the Cancun decision.
4/21/08: Well this is one of those days where I don’t want to do anything. Tired of dealing with Prepaid legal politics, I’m tired of figuring out girls.
4/22/08: Mimi and I are going on a group date. I am excited because we are friends with everyone is going. So we will both be comfortable. So good news on the horizon. I got up relatively early. I’ve been blogging a little lately. I think I have put some good stuff on it. It will be good to get my name out there. In my opinion will be a catalyst for another stream of income and also will help my mind to process somethings to help along the completion of my book. So things are coming along. I’m happy. It’s gonna get easier. It’s getting better. As the adage says: everyday in everyway I’m getting better.
4/29/08: The other news is my date w/ Mimi this last Saturday didn’t happen because she was sick. I decided to turn lemons into lemonade and I went and got her an herbal remedy [illegible] ingredients, in a wicker basket with raffia and left it on her porch. She texted me 10 minutes later saying thanks but please don’t be so nice to me. I asked why not she basically said never mind. So I just laid it down. I told her via text I like you, but I don’t know if you like me. So I need to know, so I know if I should ask you out again. I never heard back from her. At church however she came up to me and asked if I got her text. I said no. She said well we need to have a chat. That night we did. She told me she was interested but wasn’t sure how interested. So she wanted to schedule the date again. So time will tell. That’s good news in my opinion. The better news is I asked her to go to Cancun w/me today and she said yes. So barring that she gets work off we are off to Cancun!!! Life is good! Everything is falling into place. Having said that I will close for now. I’m happy.
5/9/08: Life is good. Life is very good. Anyhow I got my mountain bike, that’s pretty cool. I have a date w/ Mimi tomorrow. I won’t lie, I’m excited but I hope it goes better. Alright I’m done for now. Peace.
[THE JODI/TRAVIS SEX TAPE IS MADE ON THE NIGHT OF MAY 10] So did Travis have a date with Mimi on the same night he made the sex tape with Jodi?
5/13/08: The journal writing and all productivity have ebbed and flowed the past 2 weeks. Being in Cali and [illegible] probably too much on my website. But I’m home now and can get back into a routine. The Mimi thing is unchanged. I saw her and Lisa last night at FHR. Mimi was cordial and Lisa of course ignored me. So all of that remains the same. However I met some interesting people online. Not my referred method of operating but one of these girls has raised my eyebrows. So much that it almost seems too good to be true. I talked to her though and her story checks out from what I can tell. She is just so pretty that it’s hard to swallow. Anyhow I am very very intrigued. Really, how could I not be. It’s better to trust too much than not enough. So the plot thickens as I run the blind race to the alter.
5/16/08: Mimi called me and gave me the let’s be friends talk. Darn it darn it. What can a brother do. I did the best I could figure out. But nerves was my enemy. Anyhow I am bummed but at least I can move on. This has been a very unproductive week. I’m getting cabin fever too. Literally, this house is driving me crazy. I have such random thoughts. Anyhow it’s only gonna get better. Problems tend to solve themselves and things get better if you will them to. So the future is looking good. Nothing really to complain about. Time to get back to making the world a better place.
5/18/08: The website is gaining slow momentum. It will be a smashing success. I’m getting ready to take that thing to a whole new level. The weekend was one of the worst ever. My own fault, same as the week. Today is already better. I didn’t get to bed until 4am. I was thinking about Lisa. Regret and reconciliation were what my mind were focused on. I miss her. I still love her. Mimi gave me something to take my mind off things, but it didn’t change my feelings for Lisa. I thought by now I would be over them but I’m not. Strange really. Alright enough it’s a busy day I need to make the most of it.
5/21/08: Well I’m freaking out right now, I’m calling Lisa in about 10 minutes to try and clear the air sort of speak. I doubt she will answer but that’s probably okay. I just hope we get to talk. Either way I am doing the right thing. This is going to be good. My passport stuff is in and I am doing alright. This day should be a day for the ages. Stay tuned.
5/22/08: Well Lisa has not called back yet. I can only have faith that she will. I am broken up. I made some big mistakes and I am paying for them now. I guess we are all our own worst enemies. It’s rough. I’m not sure what my next move is. Lisa is a hard one to deal with. You can’t call her out on her pride because the pride just gets worse. So I just have to open and humble if I ever get the chance to talk to her. I think it will be good. I know it will be good. It needs to happen and somehow it will happen. It needs to happen now. I’ll see what I can do I guess to make it happen today. But it will happen soon. Enough is enough.
5/23/08: Anyhow still no word from Lisa. I’m guessing that I won’t here any word from Lisa either. So I am gonna talk to her tomorrow [illegible] I will definitely call her. Time will tell. It’s gonna happen. I hope soon. Besides that yesterday was kind of lame, like the past two weeks.
5/27/08: Well still no talking to Lisa. The blog is coming along. That’s good. Today is gonna be productive. I’ll get a lot done. People are really responding well. UFC party was great as usual. Met some new people. A couple new girls even. Anything that will get my mind off Lisa for a moment. Memorial Day I was bored. I didn’t do much. I just stayed up all night and wrote. But it feels good. I’m getting stuff done. I will continue to. I’m out.
5/28/08: Well I had a lame day. Not productive by my standards but productive compared to the last 3 weeks. The only thing that gets done with any efficiency is my website. Not how I want it to be. Lots of bills due that need to get paid as well. So the next few days will be good. I will get work done. That’s about it.
5/29/08: So I talked to Lisa yesterday. She actually called me. It was her being slightly cold, me being slightly too nice, and me doing all of the talking. She listening to me. I expressed regret, love and a desire to be more cordial to each other. She agreed. It was about 30 minutes long. It will all me to get over stuff. Later Mimi came over, we discussed Cancun. We discussed the whole friends thing. I don’t really care. It is what it is. However the good news is on Saturday I met a cutie pie on Saturday at my UFC party. I saw her Sunday again at church. Two days ago she requested me as a friend on Facebook We have been sending email flirts ever since. I got her phone number. We’ve been texting and now we are hanging out tonight. She is young, 19. She is cute and she has great taste in men 🙂 Now I’m excited about something, so it helps. Her name is Brooke Rogers. So time will tell. I’m just happy to have something to think about.
Jodi’s Letter to the Alexander Family – July 28, 2008
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Jodi Arias Trial Archive
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